Coming from the same place does not make people friends. Some of my friends believe that if you share a hometown, a language and a similar childhood, friendship will follow. In my experience it often doesn't. For some people, class matters more than culture. For others, anything short of agreeing with them on everything makes you an outsider. Sometimes it is easier to become close to someone from a completely different culture than to someone who grew up a few streets away.
Does a Shared Culture Make People Friends?
It gives you a head start, nothing more. When you meet someone from the same city, there is an instant shortcut. You know the same food, the same jokes, the same schools and the same TV shows from childhood. The first conversation is easy.
That is why many people, especially people who have moved overseas, expect others from "back home" to become their natural circle. It feels obvious: we came from the same place, so we must be on the same side.
But a shared background only tells you where someone started. It says very little about where they are now, what they care about, or how they see you.
Why Can Class Matter More Than Culture?
Inside the same culture there are still layers: what your parents did, which school you went to, which suburb you live in, whether you own property, what car you drive, and who you have dinner with. For some people, these layers are the real dividing line. They matter more than language or hometown.
You can speak the same dialect, eat the same breakfast and celebrate the same festivals, and still be quietly sorted into "people like us" and "people not like us". Often nobody says it out loud. It shows up in small ways:
- Invitations that go to some people and not others.
- Conversations that drift to schools, investments and holidays, and somehow you are never part of them.
- Friendliness in a big group, and distance one-to-one.
Moving to a new country doesn't remove this. Sometimes it makes it stronger, because the community is smaller and everyone can see who has done well. Education paths and property, two things I have written about in my university vs TAFE research and my look at negative gearing and house prices, are exactly the kind of markers people use to place each other.
Why Is a Cultural Gap Sometimes Easier to Cross?
When two people come from different cultures, they both expect differences. They ask questions. They are curious. They forgive mistakes, because neither side assumes the other "should know better". The difference is visible, so it can be talked about.
Class differences inside the same culture are harder, because they are hidden behind the shared background. Everyone looks the same from outside, so the sorting happens quietly, and you can't easily point at it or talk about it. In some situations, the cultural boundary is the easier one to cross.
That has been my experience too. Some of the easiest friendships are with people who have no shared history with me at all. We start with nothing in common, so nothing is assumed.
What Happens When a Group Wants Everyone to Be the Same?
There is a second kind of barrier, and it has nothing to do with money. Some people's values demand complete sameness. You have to agree on politics, religion, parenting, money and even which news you read. Being mostly the same is not enough.
For people who think this way, being 90% aligned is no better than being 0% aligned. If you differ on one important thing, you are no different from a heretic. The small difference becomes the whole story. Shared culture doesn't protect you here. It can make things worse, because they expected you to be one of them, and the difference feels like betrayal.
You can't win this game by trying harder to match them. If friendship depends on agreeing with everything, it was never really friendship. It was membership.
So What Actually Builds a Friendship?
Looking back, shared background is a good way to meet people, but not a reliable way to choose friends. The friendships that last seem to come from other things:
- Respect across differences. You can disagree on some things and still be welcome.
- Similar values in how you treat people. This matters more than shared opinions.
- No ranking. Neither person is quietly measuring the other's job, house or school.
- Time and honesty. Showing up, and being able to say what you really think.
So if someone from the same place keeps you at a distance, it may not be about you. They may be sorting people by something you can't see: class, or a need for everyone to think exactly alike. And the person who becomes a real friend may be someone you never expected, from a culture you knew nothing about.
Have you found the same thing, or has your experience been different? I would like to hear it. You can reach me on the contact page.
This is a personal reflection. The images were made locally with Qwen Image 2.1, and AI helped me edit the English.
