A lot of middle-aged men feel lost, even when life is going fine. We work and we pay for everything, and somewhere along the way we put ourselves at the end of the queue. I don't think that is a crisis. But I do think it helps to hear that you are not the only one feeling it.
Why Do Middle-Aged Men Stop Buying Things for Themselves?
Because every dollar already has a job. I noticed it at the shops. I push the trolley down the aisle and it fills up with the whole house: milk, school snacks, washing powder, something for the kids. When I get to the checkout, there is nothing in there for me.
Each year I buy myself a little less. A shirt I have worn for years still does the job, so why replace it? When I was younger, payday meant spending on a dream, or on something just because it made me happy. Now I count every cent against the bills and the promises I have made to the family.
Prices have gone up too, as I found when I compared the numbers in CPI vs Wages 2019–2026. Still, the money is only part of it. I sign the bill and I don't even let myself frown. I think that is what we call being mature: putting yourself in the last row and not making a fuss about it.
Why Does Every Day Feel Like the Same Script?
Because most of what fills the day is for someone else. I wake up on time like I've been wound up. Work, traffic, home, and tomorrow the same again.
I hit the numbers for the boss. I keep a roof over the family. I try to clear a path for the kids. None of it is wrong, and I would choose it again. But by the end of the day I am worn out, I'm sitting on the sofa with the lights off, and a strange question comes up: where did "me" go?
I wrote about the same thing from a different angle in Raising Kids in Brisbane as First-Generation Migrants. A family runs like clockwork, and it's easy for the person winding it to disappear inside it.
Why Do Men Sit in the Car Before Going Inside?
Usually they do want to go home. They just want a few minutes that belong to nobody first.
Sometimes I park, turn the engine off, and just sit there. The family is upstairs. I love them. I just borrow back five minutes for myself before I walk in and become Dad again.
If you do this too, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. It is the same need I wrote about in An Hour Alone in a Busy Café: a small space where nobody needs anything from you for a while.
Who Looks After the Man Who Holds Everyone Up?
Often nobody, because he doesn't say anything. That is the part I find hardest to talk about. The tiredness you swallow, the hobbies you quietly put away, the map you lost somewhere between leaving for work and coming home. Who do you even say it to?
Everyone leans on the pillar. Nobody checks it for rust.
I am not saying this to complain, and I'm not blaming anyone. My family didn't ask me to disappear. Most of the time I chose to put them first, and so did most men I know. But we chose it so quietly that sometimes even we forget we are still there.
The same silence shows up in What Every Middle-Aged Man Carries (But Won't Say). Men my age carry a lot. We just don't put it on the table.
So What Actually Helps?
Nothing big. These are the small things I would say to another man my age.
- You are not the only one. The man in the next car, or behind you at the checkout, is probably doing the same sums in his head.
- Take the five minutes in the car park without feeling guilty. Then go upstairs.
- Put one thing in the trolley for yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive. It just has to be yours.
- Say it out loud to someone. A friend, your partner, a mate over a coffee. You don't need a solution, just someone who nods.
- If the tiredness turns into something heavier that won't lift, talk to your GP or call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. Asking for help is part of looking after the family too.
The Song I Wrote About This Feeling
I couldn't shake this feeling, so I wrote a song about it: 我係中年人 (I'm a Middle-Aged Man), an original Cantonese song with a music video on YouTube. The video's subtitle says what I most wanted to get across: 你唔係一個人, you are not alone.
It ends with the advice I most needed to hear myself:
下次行街，買返件嘢畀自己啦。辛苦晒喇，兄弟。
Next time you're out, buy something for yourself. You've worked hard, brother.
Does any of this sound like you? I would like to hear from people who know this feeling, men or not. You can reach me on the contact page, and if the song speaks to you, please subscribe on YouTube.
This is a personal reflection. The images were made locally with Qwen Image 2.1, and AI helped me edit the English.
